It’s been fifteen years since I jumped on that roller coaster ride called youth ministry. Its ups and downs taught me a great deal about myself and others. One of the first rules about youth ministry, I erroneously followed, was that parents were to be removed from the ministry at all costs. When I used to meet with other youth workers for a bite to eat or a cup of joe, they, too, thought parents were “the problem” with our youth ministries. Many times, I felt parents just didn’t understand—maybe Will Smith aka The Fresh Prince actually knew what he was rapping about back in the late 80s. I mean, didn’t parents know we were trying to save their children! But, most likely, I never communicated that to parents at all, though I probably thought they should have known. Now, a little older and hopefully a little wiser, I view parents as allies rather than enemies. But it still takes a lot of prayer and patience to help get everyone on the same page.
Family Influence
In American society, the perception that youth are self-reliant and resilient enough to use their leisure time wisely and have the coping skills to deal with their particular home situation (single-parent, blended family, raised by grandparents, etc.) all by themselves is ill-conceived (Hamilton and Hamilton, 2004). The notion that kids can raise themselves carries unfortunate outcomes for youth, their families, and the communities they live in (Hutchinson and Baldwin, 2005). Because our current society values busyness over and above opportunities for family quality time, the church as well as other youth-serving institutions accepts superficial means of bringing families together: “In recent years, these changes have led to artificial means of bringing children and adults together, such as ‘take a daughter to work’ or ‘take a grandparent to school’ days, or in Christian contexts ‘children sermons’ and ‘youth Sundays’” (McLemore, 2003, p. 9). This attitude is embedded within our culture, and it places more attention on the individual youth rather than the influences and the involvement of his/her family.
Until recently, most of us youth workers thought the main influential factor within adolescent lives were their peers. Although peer-relationships are a prominent aspect in a teen’s life, research has shown that parents and families remain the number one influence for teens (Hutchinson and Baldwin). In fact, the National Study of Youth and Religion found that the majority of religious teens model their parent’s religious lives—this includes worship preferences and the value placed on church attendance (Smith and Denton, 2005). In other words, teens are much more conservative and conventional in regard to spiritual formation than we thought. This shouldn’t be seen as a negative at all. In fact, this is a good thing for youth workers because it provides us with an earmark within our youth programming; for we are able to observe where youth are in their faith through the faith journeys of their parents. It then becomes our jobs to help youth find a faith of their own as they shed their parent’s faith and begin to hear God’s calling in their lives. But this does beg the question, “How are we engaging parents in our youth ministries?”
Collaboration
One of the most important things we can do for parents and families is to reveal their teenager’s talents. Within the life of a busy family, a parent can easily overlook how their teenager is seen by peers, teachers, coaches, and other adults. As youth workers, we can, at least, help them see how friends, other parents, and youth counselors within the church view their sons and daughters. And we do that by affirming their talents or, as Peter Benson of the Search Institute calls them, “sparks”: “A spark is something inside your teenager that gets him excited. It’s something that makes your teenager want to jump out of bed in the morning. Spark is the thing that gives teenagers (and actually all people) meaning" (2008, p. 11), but sometimes youth just don’t talk about it.
Many youth workers are familiar with youth affirmation approaches used in retreats and mission trips. This is usually done by writing down positive, life-affirming comments about all group members and placing them in their respective envelopes or boxes. At the end of the event, the members receive their envelopes and discuss these affirmations in a small group setting. What if we took that same approach to our parent meetings in order to show the various sparks of the youth group? I realize that some youth workers feel that parent meetings are a waste of time, but I believe they can be valuable points of reference for parents, youth, and youth workers, especially when a youth worker is making an attempt towards collaborating with parents and families.
A parent meeting, with the intention of collaboration in mind, reflects the biblical mandate from the Apostle Paul when he said, “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” (Romans 14: 19, NIV translation). In other words, we are to build each other up in word and in deed. But most parents and youth are bombarded with negative jargon in regard to their competency as being “successful” enough in today’s world. From the stresses of passing yearly scholastic tests to preparing for SATs, youth are always caught within the mix of being labeled not good enough or not smart enough. It’s way too easy for youth to believe these negative labels, no matter how untrue they may be. What Paul challenged the church in Rome to do applies to the faith community of today…build each other up in truth and in love. Youth workers can take what is thought by many as a useless and boring parent meeting and transform it into a shared space between youth and families where renewed, positive images of youth emerge.
The design of such a parent meeting would revolve around activities and program components that match up parents, youth, and youth counselors in teams or groups working together. Of course, information about upcoming events and other activities would be shared, but merely communicating yearly youth events is not the central aim of the parent meeting. The real goal of the parent meeting is to cast youth in a different light than their parents are used to seeing at home. One parent meeting in particular, I designed around the game Who wants to be a Millionaire? I and my youth intern formed teams of 5 to 7 people consisting of youth, counselors, and parents, and each team had an opportunity to answer questions. All of the fun things like lifelines and audience suggestions (our take was calling the pastor) were included. After the game, each team shared with one another the contributions they each brought to the team and the game. This then moved the discussion towards what things youth liked about playing the game. I also have included pumpkin-carving contests and Christmas tree-dressing & caroling contests in parent meetings among other holiday and seasonal themes—activities that included the creative and artistic sparks of youth.
Like I stated earlier, it takes much prayer and patience to develop a ministry to families with youth; but in the long run, youth workers will come to appreciate the guidance and resources parents can share with youth and with the larger church family. Most importantly, a productive youth worker will view collaboration over competition with parents and families any day. But we youth workers must remember that the more sparks we can demonstrate to parents; the better the chance they will be able to support their son or daughter’s passions and dreams to further the kingdom of God.
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